Candles are essential for any thrifty whore. Stock up on a few candles, dim the lights, and *poof* your moldy basement apartment is transformed into a palace of ecstasy. The alternative lighting also significantly cuts down your electric bill which is also a plus when you're doing things the thrifty way.
Additionally, candles can be used to attract a different genre of clientele. Y'all know who I'm talking about...those who like things a little rough. A little hot wax and some rope can go a long way and, let me tell ya, you'll get some hefty tips outta those guys.
But think back to grade school, when you were taught one of the key principles to live by: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Most people would thoughtlessly toss out the remnants of their candles after the wick has burned all the way down but, then again, most people aren't thrifty whores.
Body hair removal is a chore that all women have to deal with. Many people choose to keep themselves maintained through regular shaving, but those in my profession know that shaving just doesn't cut it. I strive for 100% customer satisfaction and if a man is paying for time with me then I don't want no five o'clock shadow in my nether regions. Bikini waxes are a must. Being the thrifty whore that I am, I have created an at-home bikini wax using the candle stumps I have acquired over time.
On the stove simply heat up a mixture of sugar, honey, and a dash of massage oil. When that begins to boil, slowly add in your candle stumps broken down into manageable pieces. Mix with a wooden spoon until the mixture is smooth.
While the mixture is cooling down to a skin-friendly temperature (you sure as hell don't want to burn yourself) prepare your waxing strips. Virtually anything can be used as your waxing strips. Some things that I have used in the past have been soiled/worn out sheets and articles of clothing left behind by clients (this usually happens when they get a phone call from their wife). For those tight corners, and for the truly thrifty, the scraps from our do-it-yourself crotchless panties can also be used as waxing strips. Pretty much anything can be used to apply the wax to the skin, but I think Popsicle sticks work best. You are welcome to experiment on your own and please do let me know what works best for you.
You also might want to start collecting used birthday candles as they are just as effective as any other candle, plus they are already small and perfect for melting down!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
From Sicilian to Brazilian the Thrifty Whore Way
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Willies Aren't The Only Things That Should Be Covered In Rubber
I'm successful at my job. I'm happy to tell everyone myself, because I don't want them to find out by looking at my bed sheets. Honestly, I'm in bed a lot and, as a result, I wash my sheets more than the average person. (I'm thrifty, not unsanitary!)
Since saving money is also something I'm happy to do, I don't like the idea of washing more bed linens than necessary, i.e. the mattress pad; and I cringe at the idea of body fluids soaking into my mattress itself. So what's a working girl to do?
A rubber bed sheet, right? Sure, but I like to save money and rubber bedsheets are expensive! Additionally, I already spend my money on plenty of rubber.
The next best thing I've found are those handy disposable plastic tablecloths at my local dollar store. They're big enough to fit a king-sized bed! If any of you, dear readers, don't have a king-sized bed but something smaller, consider yourself getting an even better deal: two-for-one rubber bed protectors.
Just slap one on under your fitted bed sheet and voila! Your bed is as protected as the little willy you'll be pleasing later on.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Food reviews I can use
Food reviews don't really help me out. They're usually written about the kind of food I can't pronounce that is served at the kind of restaurant I can't afford. So, it excites me when I find a place that reviews the food I eat. This is why I love Heat Eat Review. These guys know that just because you prefer Tombstone pizza over fancy stuff like lasagna, it doesn't mean you aren't a little picky. I don't want to waste my $3.59 on something that'll taste like the stuff on sale for $2.09. I'm not that cheap. Mostly.
A few days ago they inquired of their audience: Which item should Abi video review next? Lunchables or Hungry Man?
That's my kind of democracy, y'all. Obvs, Hungry Man, btw. They have more selections than Lunchables and I am interested in their new Bourbon Steak Strips.
They even have a whole page on Hot Pockets, which are totally my favorites. I like the 2 cheese pizza ones. Man, are they good.
You can submit your own review, too, so if you have a favorite convenience food, let them know how you feel about it. You'll be contributing something very useful for a lot of people like me. And probably you.
Friday, March 7, 2008
I ain't nothin' if I ain't thrifty... and whorish
I've always secretly wanted a boob job. In my line of work it's an asset and if I were the kind of person that paid taxes I could probably write it off, but being that I'm more on the low-end of my profession, it's out of the question. Especially if I want a good doctor. Man, my biggest fear is to end up with Tara Reid-like titties. Good lord that'd ruin my day and my paycheck. I'd lose johns faster than she did.
Fortunately, I discovered this amazing website that allows men to buy a boob job for me. Oh sweet hell, if this wasn't created just for me, I don't know what was. This evening I'm going to set up a profile there and start flirting my cheap ass off. If I'm lucky, I'll be sportin' some new jugs by summer.
Come on, guys. Support your local whore.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Hair Panties
Free samples are a great idea. It's such a great idea that I avoid going grocery shopping on sample day because I would buy everything I had a sample of. Somehow the samples are always delicious out of those little toaster ovens, but what I like even more is saving money.
Free sampling can work in a thrifty whore's favor though. It may sound counter-intuitive, but in the long run I have found that giving away just a little bit of the goods actually brings in more money in the long run.
My most productive free sample is something called Hair Panties. When I was a thrifty whore in the French Quarter, a lovely clothing designer named Miss Karina offered me a pair of her famous hair panties at a greatly reduced price. In the hot humid weather of Louisiana, walking around without wearing panties caused chaffing; and now, living in chilly Minnesota it's hard to think about going outside without layers on! The hair panties solve both of these problems without compromising business. Here is how to make your own:
Materials:
• 1 pair panties, preferably skin-toned
• Fake or real hair
hint: if you don't want to go out and buy hair, simply raid the stash that's been building up in your favorite hairbrush or save the findings from the wire mesh in your tub drain. For ladies that like truth in advertising, it's great to use your own hair for this project. Even better -- you can dye it to match your "drapes" if you're one to spend the extra dollars to color your hair.
• 1 needle
• Thread that matches hair color
Simply sew a patch of hair to the panties slightly above the cotton panel, a spot where pubic hair naturally predominates. If the thread is too visible, simply style the hair after sewing so that is covers the thread. Also, this could be a sign that you need more hair for your panties.
Again, this is a great way to keep warm in the winter or keep the area from getting chaffed in the warmer months. Being able to flash a sample to potential clients in either climate is a great way to increase your income. I'll go out for a few minutes on a windy day so that my skirt "accidentally" flies up for instance, and I'll have steady clientelle for two weeks straight!
Something else that may be fun to try: combine this with the do-it-yourself crotchless panties for bedroom fun!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Do it yourself Crotchless Panties
Step 1: Locate a sexy pair of panties. These are the sexiest I have, thanks to that great sale at Target last week.
Step 2: Locate your scissors. If you're like me, you'll find them in the bathroom since you trimmed up the bikini line last night. Go ahead and wipe them off, I'll wait.
Step 3: Okay, ready? Good. Fold the crotch area of your panties length-ways, like I did below. Cut out the fold with your scissors. You may even cut pretty shapes if you're feeling creative. It doesn't matter, just so long as you cut out the part of the crotch that is folded.
The end result: If you did it right, this is what they should look like. If you didn't do it right, you might want to ask a friend. You can't keep ruining good pairs of panties. These are awesome, and could get me an additional $5 for upping the sexy level. So, I'll put out, save money and make money. Win, win, win.
