Affordable Lingerie. Finally!

I don't think I need to tell you that the economy blows right now! Things are bad, you know? Business is real bad for bankers and when business is bad for bankers, business is bad for me. I've had to employ tactics that even we never thought we'd have to use. 

So, when I was leaving Penny's house after one of our patented tag teams recently, I was thrilled to discover a purple, satin negligee lying in the middle of the road. Someone's morning walk of shame must have been particularly shameful. Well, her shame is my reward! I scooped that baby up and tossed it in ol' Datsun and away I went. Now I have another beauty to add to my collection. Hopefully it'll help me snag a new client!

What levels have you had to stoop to lately to make ends (or fronts) meet?

Homemade Erotic Game

Admittedly, some jobs are more vigorous than others. But when you're a thrifty whore, even a girl by herself can be a bit adventurous! Naturally, after any rowdy rendezvous there can be some damage, particularly with accessories. A thrifty whore's jewelry isn't expensive and often takes the brunt of a good hump. A good bump is bound to break your baubles, their backs and/or fronts to be lost forever. If the jewelry itself hangs on tight like one of your more needy johns, sometimes the jewel itself pops out (and we all know how startling that can be)!

It's always a girl's first instinct to throw these sparkly casualties away, but, as a thrifty gal I second guess that impulse and stash the broken goods away for a rainy day repair.

Then I remember: rainy days are some of my busiest work days! When people say they save money for a rainy day, lots of those people are horny men! So to entertain myself, and sometimes to start the erotic events off slowly, I invented a great way to get some new kicks from my old jewelry.




All you need is a piece of paper on which to draw a rather A-sexual figure -- you can get as creative as you want with this, or simply draw a stick figure. Just be sure to draw a very basic human figure.













The distinction of male or female -- or any combination of the two -- comes with the placement of your jewelry as demonstrated in the following photos:

The Pasty Nipple Trumps The Buttery Nipple

Every profession has an outlet for its practitioners to learn new skills and refine their trade. For example, if someone is a corporate executive, they would be able to attend various seminars on team management and marketing; a painter can take painting classes, and—well, you get the idea. Contrary to what you may think, the thrifty whores are not excluded from similar opportunities. Nope, we’re constantly honing in on tips and techniques to bring in more clients and to further master our craft in the sack.

I was reintroduced to the lost art of burlesque when I attended a performance by local burlesque troupe Le Cirque Rouge. I was blown away. The music, the costumes, the dancing, the PASTIES! I knew that I had to incorporate some of this burlesque magic into my repertoire. But, being the whore that I am, I had to figure out how to do it for cheap.

After much experimentation, I have come up with a way to make homemade pasties out of candy wrappers. Foil wrappers from Hershey Kisses and Dove Treasures work best for the basic pasty. Simply treat yourself to the chocolate (my favorite part) and flatten out the foil as best you can. Then contour the edges by folding them under to make the pasty round and more cupped. If you wish, you can decorate the pasties with stickers. I’ve chosen to go patriotic so I used star stickers on my pasties. See for yourself!

NOTE: I used oranges to model the pasties because any
thrifty whore knows better than to give anything away for free




The great thing about Dove Treasures (as seen above) is they have a better color selection to choose from, but they are a bit more expensive. I generally use the Hershey Kisses because you can buy a huge bag for a couple of dollars, but I’ll splurge and go for the Dove after I’ve gotten a big tip.

Now for the grand finale: the tassel. This was the tricky part. I love the tassled pasties so I wanted to recreate them as best I could but I discovered that, unless you have a set of drapes you want to rip apart, tassels are expensive! I spent days trying to brainstorm what could be used in place of actual tassels. I tried using the tassels from graduation caps but they were way too long and hard to twirl. I finally found a solution...cat toys.



To make these pasties, I used a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup base and then glued the dangle from a cat toy onto each one. I used two different colors for an added effect when they twirl, but you are free to use your own creative license when you make your own.

To get the pasty to stick to your nipple, simply use a small square of double-sided tape. It works wonders.

DIY Condoms

First let me start off by apologizing for the lack of posts around here. Spring is our busiest time of the year, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. We have not had the proper time available to devote to helping others, so I finally just had to use some vacation time to get a few posts up. It wasn't easy, either. Penny wanted today off to go to her sister's baby shower, but how special are those things for the seventh kid, anyway? We fought it out with a game of Taboo and I whooped her ass.


Now let me get down to the reason for today's post: DIY Condoms. Sounds scary but it really isn't. You know, condoms are just so darned expensive these days, and there are so many choices it can really confuse a gal. Red ones, blue ones, lubed ones, ribbed ones... it's endless. If you don't want to deal with the hassle of choosing stuff and you're put off by the price of even Lifestyles, I suggest you look into homemade options.

#1 recommendation: Glad Press 'n Seal. It's pretty self explanatory unless you've never packed away a leftover steak or something. Cut off the amount you want, wrap it around a willie and press... and seal. It may take some practice to figure out the perfect amount to use.

#2 recommendation: Socks. You may have to get real small ones, like kids sizes, but if you can find a tight fit, it works pretty good. This is a cheap option but it will require lube to work properly, so it could end up being the same as buying a box of condoms, unless you have DIY lube. We'll get into that another day.

#3 recommendation: I don't have a third one yet because I haven't started on my afternoon cocktails. I'll get back to you if there's a Volume 2.

Have your own ideas? Tell us!

From Sicilian to Brazilian the Thrifty Whore Way

Candles are essential for any thrifty whore. Stock up on a few candles, dim the lights, and *poof* your moldy basement apartment is transformed into a palace of ecstasy. The alternative lighting also significantly cuts down your electric bill which is also a plus when you're doing things the thrifty way.

Additionally, candles can be used to attract a different genre of clientele. Y'all know who I'm talking about...those who like things a little rough. A little hot wax and some rope can go a long way and, let me tell ya, you'll get some hefty tips outta those guys.

But think back to grade school, when you were taught one of the key principles to live by: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Most people would thoughtlessly toss out the remnants of their candles after the wick has burned all the way down but, then again, most people aren't thrifty whores.

Body hair removal is a chore that all women have to deal with. Many people choose to keep themselves maintained through regular shaving, but those in my profession know that shaving just doesn't cut it. I strive for 100% customer satisfaction and if a man is paying for time with me then I don't want no five o'clock shadow in my nether regions. Bikini waxes are a must. Being the thrifty whore that I am, I have created an at-home bikini wax using the candle stumps I have acquired over time.

On the stove simply heat up a mixture of sugar, honey, and a dash of massage oil. When that begins to boil, slowly add in your candle stumps broken down into manageable pieces. Mix with a wooden spoon until the mixture is smooth.

While the mixture is cooling down to a skin-friendly temperature (you sure as hell don't want to burn yourself) prepare your waxing strips. Virtually anything can be used as your waxing strips. Some things that I have used in the past have been soiled/worn out sheets and articles of clothing left behind by clients (this usually happens when they get a phone call from their wife). For those tight corners, and for the truly thrifty, the scraps from our do-it-yourself crotchless panties can also be used as waxing strips. Pretty much anything can be used to apply the wax to the skin, but I think Popsicle sticks work best. You are welcome to experiment on your own and please do let me know what works best for you.

You also might want to start collecting used birthday candles as they are just as effective as any other candle, plus they are already small and perfect for melting down!

Willies Aren't The Only Things That Should Be Covered In Rubber

I'm successful at my job. I'm happy to tell everyone myself, because I don't want them to find out by looking at my bed sheets. Honestly, I'm in bed a lot and, as a result, I wash my sheets more than the average person. (I'm thrifty, not unsanitary!)

Since saving money is also something I'm happy to do, I don't like the idea of washing more bed linens than necessary, i.e. the mattress pad; and I cringe at the idea of body fluids soaking into my mattress itself. So what's a working girl to do?

A rubber bed sheet, right? Sure, but I like to save money and rubber bedsheets are expensive! Additionally, I already spend my money on plenty of rubber.

The next best thing I've found are those handy disposable plastic tablecloths at my local dollar store. They're big enough to fit a king-sized bed! If any of you, dear readers, don't have a king-sized bed but something smaller, consider yourself getting an even better deal: two-for-one rubber bed protectors.

Just slap one on under your fitted bed sheet and voila! Your bed is as protected as the little willy you'll be pleasing later on.

Food reviews I can use

Food reviews don't really help me out. They're usually written about the kind of food I can't pronounce that is served at the kind of restaurant I can't afford. So, it excites me when I find a place that reviews the food I eat. This is why I love Heat Eat Review. These guys know that just because you prefer Tombstone pizza over fancy stuff like lasagna, it doesn't mean you aren't a little picky. I don't want to waste my $3.59 on something that'll taste like the stuff on sale for $2.09. I'm not that cheap. Mostly.

A few days ago they inquired of their audience: Which item should Abi video review next? Lunchables or Hungry Man?

That's my kind of democracy, y'all. Obvs, Hungry Man, btw. They have more selections than Lunchables and I am interested in their new Bourbon Steak Strips.

They even have a whole page on Hot Pockets, which are totally my favorites. I like the 2 cheese pizza ones. Man, are they good.

You can submit your own review, too, so if you have a favorite convenience food, let them know how you feel about it. You'll be contributing something very useful for a lot of people like me. And probably you.

I ain't nothin' if I ain't thrifty... and whorish

I've always secretly wanted a boob job. In my line of work it's an asset and if I were the kind of person that paid taxes I could probably write it off, but being that I'm more on the low-end of my profession, it's out of the question. Especially if I want a good doctor. Man, my biggest fear is to end up with Tara Reid-like titties. Good lord that'd ruin my day and my paycheck. I'd lose johns faster than she did.

Fortunately, I discovered this amazing website that allows men to buy a boob job for me. Oh sweet hell, if this wasn't created just for me, I don't know what was. This evening I'm going to set up a profile there and start flirting my cheap ass off. If I'm lucky, I'll be sportin' some new jugs by summer.

Come on, guys. Support your local whore.

Hair Panties

Free samples are a great idea. It's such a great idea that I avoid going grocery shopping on sample day because I would buy everything I had a sample of. Somehow the samples are always delicious out of those little toaster ovens, but what I like even more is saving money.

Free sampling can work in a thrifty whore's favor though. It may sound counter-intuitive, but in the long run I have found that giving away just a little bit of the goods actually brings in more money in the long run.

My most productive free sample is something called Hair Panties. When I was a thrifty whore in the French Quarter, a lovely clothing designer named Miss Karina offered me a pair of her famous hair panties at a greatly reduced price. In the hot humid weather of Louisiana, walking around without wearing panties caused chaffing; and now, living in chilly Minnesota it's hard to think about going outside without layers on! The hair panties solve both of these problems without compromising business. Here is how to make your own:

Materials:
• 1 pair panties, preferably skin-toned
• Fake or real hair
hint: if you don't want to go out and buy hair, simply raid the stash that's been building up in your favorite hairbrush or save the findings from the wire mesh in your tub drain. For ladies that like truth in advertising, it's great to use your own hair for this project. Even better -- you can dye it to match your "drapes" if you're one to spend the extra dollars to color your hair.
• 1 needle
• Thread that matches hair color

Simply sew a patch of hair to the panties slightly above the cotton panel, a spot where pubic hair naturally predominates. If the thread is too visible, simply style the hair after sewing so that is covers the thread. Also, this could be a sign that you need more hair for your panties.

Again, this is a great way to keep warm in the winter or keep the area from getting chaffed in the warmer months. Being able to flash a sample to potential clients in either climate is a great way to increase your income. I'll go out for a few minutes on a windy day so that my skirt "accidentally" flies up for instance, and I'll have steady clientelle for two weeks straight!

Something else that may be fun to try: combine this with the do-it-yourself crotchless panties for bedroom fun!

Do it yourself Crotchless Panties

Step 1: Locate a sexy pair of panties. These are the sexiest I have, thanks to that great sale at Target last week.


Step 2: Locate your scissors. If you're like me, you'll find them in the bathroom since you trimmed up the bikini line last night. Go ahead and wipe them off, I'll wait.


Step 3: Okay, ready? Good. Fold the crotch area of your panties length-ways, like I did below. Cut out the fold with your scissors. You may even cut pretty shapes if you're feeling creative. It doesn't matter, just so long as you cut out the part of the crotch that is folded.


The end result: If you did it right, this is what they should look like. If you didn't do it right, you might want to ask a friend. You can't keep ruining good pairs of panties. These are awesome, and could get me an additional $5 for upping the sexy level. So, I'll put out, save money and make money. Win, win, win.

Coming Soon! (besides me)

Do it yourself crotchless panties.

Stay tuned.